Barreling down the blemish free, pebbless, close to polished concrete, I practice the line that I have created over the last six weeks at my neighborhood skate park (in which I have a love hate relationship with based around hurting myself). My new home Portland, OR has treated me pretty well thus far, I think to myself. Scanning my eyes across the park, trying to focus in on the youngsters who flow aimlessly in every direction, waiting for my turn to cross into what seems like enemy territory. I’m suddenly reminded of a wave in the ocean that breaks violently, causing chaotic motion in multiple directions. Just like this wave, these kids are a force of nature, unable to be tamed by any man. As my eyes scan quickly back and forth my head tries to follow but is only met with a dizziness only felt when spinning in circles for several minutes. I am sure that I must look like a delirious old man to these vibrant young ones so desperate to obtain and maintain their public image. As my brain tries to record the information necessary to keep from hurting myself and keep from running over or killing children, I stop and think for a second how hilarious these adolescents are and how much they piss me off. In a matter of a one-hour visit to my local skate park, I managed to make a list of DON’TS that these kids should take into consideration. Hopefully this is not a terrible rant much like that of what Andy Rooney would do on the tail end of a 60 minutes episode, bringing himself one more segment closer to a miserable anger filled death.
- Please, just please, consider others while pushing along on your skateboard, scooter, or bike. The only reason I am paying even the slightest bit of attention to you at all is because there is a risk of me accidentally slaughtering your due to the extra 175 pounds of man that I have grown. I don’t care about your flippy tech tricks that honestly bore the hell out of me anyways. I am there for my enjoyment.
- There are four different grom groups filming your styleless tricks. Ban together and make one shitty movie. Imovie for MAC already has the template for it! Plus your self-esteem will enhance from all of the new friends you have made sucking. Go ahead, send that video to your local shop for sponsorship, I’m sure they’ll get a good laugh at it, especially because I’m in the back ground making a sour face with a thumbs down.
- Stop drinking Caprice Sun at the park. What is this day care? You don’t need to juice up with energy drinks like MONSTER, Red Bull, Rockstar, or Jolt cola (ok that’s before your time but still) either. Just drink some water. It is pretty refreshing too! If I see a snack pack, I’m going to slap it out of your hand, and PICK UP AFTER YOURSELF. You don’t know how lucky you are to have a skatepark!
- This one is for you little bit bigger young ones. Yes, you have your license, but no that does not mean you can do doughnuts in the parking lot. Hey idiot, 1992 called, they want their shitty looking Mustang back! Buttholes drive that car.
- Bikes! It is called a skate park, just sayin’. No need to continue on this one. Fill in the blank here…
Like I said. I’m enjoying my time at the parks here in Portland. For those of you who think we have a sufficient amount of parks, I would go to say that there are not enough. Most of the time the parks are grossly over inhabited with an extreme age range of people. Another possibility, and the most unsettling answer to my frustrations is that I could be officially getting old.
